I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
