My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize