I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
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