I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I molested 6 butterflies tonight
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I was planning out a scrapbook to memorialize my affair.......and that's when it hit me, I don't make good choices. On the upside, the scrap book came out great and I am glad I saved all the gate passes from the airport.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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