the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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