every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Randomize
