I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
