Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
Packing for the trip... do they take Visa in South Dakota?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
