truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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