haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Broeke and glass. I feel so and. Appilogixe in morbing.
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
