oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
she crossed my comfort zone...i thought i was a freak
said the guy with a pink sex swing...
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
