i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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