just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
