I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
You're swimming in an imaginary pool of pudding. What do you think?
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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