They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Randomize
