You want to go to a white party at LAX
Clubs are lame especially themed ones. Im not in a fucking episode of laguna beach
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
