And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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