The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
