he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
I didn't notice because vodka
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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