Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
