I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
