I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
