Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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