I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
Randomize
