I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
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