I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
I wish there were birth control emojis
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Randomize
