Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
