Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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