I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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