I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
i think the realest test of our friendship is how hot your sister looks right now
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
