I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Hey baby girl when you gonna let my tongue get up in that ass like i'm an explorer trying to go deep under on a quest for the lost city of atlantis
your text was fucking rediculious. Will let you eat my asshole though.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
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