I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
