The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
apparently it's a turnoff if you ask a guy why he thinks he needs to use magnums
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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