my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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