There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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