I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
so when he was about to cum, he screamed his mother's name and continued to pray for forgiveness. wtf
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I don't want to sleep with anyone. I just want a burrito
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
she brought her phone charger to the bar this bitch is ready to drink
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
