So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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