so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
I bet yours is gonna be filled with secret innuendo.
secret innuendo and cervical punches to the world.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
Randomize
