That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
