Banned from zoo.
Again?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
