A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Randomize
