im six kinds of drunk right now
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
Randomize