I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
Randomize
