Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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