dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
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