Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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