I wish I could punch you in the face.
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
Randomize