He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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