The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
He fucked me while I was smoking his blunt. His apartment was trashed and he drives a van that looks like it’s been hit by a train but still 10/10 would fuck again.
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