I just cut my nipple shaving
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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