Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
You were making out with a freshman and said you wanted to back to his place. Then when you got to the door to leave you said "never mind." He sad it wasn't fair and you got all serious and told him "welcome to the real world kid."
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Randomize
