he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
