Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
Randomize
