my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
