So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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